GREETINGS, EARTHLINGS!
What does a highly advanced civilization have to do to get noticed around here?
We hail from the constellation Canis Minor and we’re here to harvest your organs and drain your oceans for rocket fuel. Kidding! That’s more of a Canis Major vibe.
Given that your human civilization has not yet achieved interstellar travel, you are likely unaware of how lonely space is. But we are aware! So we hooked up some garvanplows to a couple of flargenbows (and a minoflor, just for giggles) and set out to find some friends in the cosmos.
For the last hundred years, we’ve been trying to make contact with you, to no avail. But then our Lead Human Researcher made a huge breakthrough: nothing is real to humans until it is on the internet. Also from our research, we understand that you express yourselves through drinking vessels and your bodily coverings, especially those with scifi graphics on them. So with the help of your earthly technology and to help pay for our star fuel, which due to out of control galactic infation the price is out of this world, we have opened this shopping site.
ENJOY
FAQs
We understand enough about your fragile human brains to know that you probably have questions about the sudden appearance of a race of technologically superior space beings on your intergalactic doorstep. Our Human Affairs Officer has prepared some answers below.
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There are a few planets in the constellation Canis Minor unknown to humans. Most of us call the planet Strogador home, but some of the crew hails from the surrounding systems.
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Yes!!!!!!!! Please trust us!!! PLEASE!
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No. When we step off our spacecraft, we’re basically “holding our breath” the way humans would underwater. We’re able to do it for several hours before needing to re-board the ship for some of our fresh air.
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We use the stars primarily as a map for travel, but sure, they could be a map for our personalities, too!
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About 75%, which is as much DNA as you share with a chicken. This makes you poor test subjects, so no worries there!
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Earth is our favorite planet to visit because of how quaint it is. Similar to how humans from big cities like to visit a small town for the simpler environment but then are glad to get back to the city.
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From afar, we are not able to figure out the rules, but we do enjoy watching the crowds react to the players running around.
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Our understanding of time is very different from yours. Let’s just say roughly about a hundred times longer than your civilization has existed.
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The official language of Canis Minor is Canish.
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Friends! We want to share new experiences, our deepest darkest secrets and funny memes.
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They’re both so cute! Nothing beats Ooflas, our own little companions, though. We had to leave them at home with a friend.
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We understand not all humans have the time or access to travel, but honestly, every inch of your planet has something to brag about!
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Our physical forms are much more malleable than the human body. This allows us to adapt to new environments across the cosmos. When we are on Earth, we choose to look more similar to humans for your own comfort.
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Obviously, we have names! Ask us and we'll tell you. Just like meeting a new human friend.
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Please don’t scream or run away! No one likes being greeted that way. Just say “howdy,” or however else you’d greet a normal human friend.
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Not humans, if that’s what you’re wondering.
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Technically, you could. However, because of temporal anomalies as you approach the speed of light, by the time you returned to Earth, everyone you know and love would no longer be alive.
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Astral Paddle is the cosmos’ fastest-growing sport. We’d love to show you how it’s played.
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It has taken hundreds of years to get your attention! Now that we have it, we want to make our efforts worthwhile. So, we’ll be around awhile.
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Because we can change forms, sometimes we have tentacles, sometimes we don’t, whatever works best for the situation.
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Sigh. You really need to stop asking.